Some days you get the bear
by spiffytgm
Summary: One shot answers to some challenges. One from Margaret aka Whymelucylu, with a challenge of my own thrown in for good measure. The Second from MnGrammaX3. New third chapter is an answer to ShellSueD's 1000 word challenge. :-) Fluffy Babe goodness with a few laughs. A little bit of angst but remember, Some days the bear gets you.
1. Chapter 1

**I had a very unpleasant experience at the salon yesterday. It involved burns on my scalp and clumps of hair coming out… Fortunately, I have a LOT of hair, you can't see where some is missing. Anyway, since I have plenty of practice laughing at the bizarre things that sometimes happen to me, when I was issued a challenge to use a line from a movie, I knew just what to do. Actually, I used lines from both movies we talked about… let's see who can identify both?**

**I'd also like to throw out a challenge to anyone who's interested… Use any of the following three lines from "The Blues Brothers" in a story… "Boys, you got to learn not to talk to nuns that way.", "We're on a mission from God.", or "Are you the police? No, ma'am, we're musicians.".**

**Anyway, all the characters you recognize belong to JE. All mistakes are mine. I make nothing from this… except for the warm, fuzzy feeling I get when I read your reviews!**

How the hell did an 80 year old felon using a walker manage to give a thirty-something bounty hunter the slip? I'd rather not say, but it wasn't my fault, I swear. Not that it matters. My mother will hear about it within minutes. It's not my fault it happened on the sidewalk next to the elementary school, but did it have to happen during recess? Of course it did, that's the way my life works sometimes.

My name is Stephanie Plum, and it hasn't exactly been a good day today. It all started when I was at the bonds office with Connie and Lula, catching up on the latest gossip. It seems that a certain police officer went to the pharmacy last night to get some ointment for a mysterious rash. Before you say anything, no. It wasn't my on again, off again boyfriend, Joe Morelli. We're currently on again, thank you very much. In fact, I think we both might almost be ready to start acting like mature adults, maybe. Anyway, Lula and I were trying to get Connie to tell us who it was when Joe poked his head in the door. "I saw your car out front, Cupcake. You got a minute?"

I smiled as I walked towards the door. "I don't know. I think I may need more than a minute." I kissed him hello and we walked over to where his POS cop car was parked by my POS Nissan Altima.

He leaned against his door. "I was thinking about what we were talking about last night, and I think you're right. We both need to grow up. The only way I see us committing to each other is if we stop playing around and get married. Neither one of us is getting any younger."

Married? Has he lost his mind? I never said we should get married! I said we should stop acting like children. Is he proposing? I don't see a ring. I think I might pass out. "Joe, I"

He stopped me. "Don't say anything right now, just think about it. I'll come over with dinner tonight and we'll talk some more." He gave me a quick kiss, hopped into his car, and left. I stood on the sidewalk, trying to get my brain to start working again.

Lula stuck her head out the door. "You gonna stand out there all day, or are you gonna come in and tell us what Supercop just said that has your mouth hanging open like that?" She stood there looking at me. I love Lula, from the tips of her genuine imitation Manolo Beatnik shoes to the top of her head, even if her hair is currently the same shade of poison green as her tiny spandex top. I think she's wearing a wig this time, but with Lula, you just never know.

I walked back inside and dropped onto the couch. Lula waived a Boston Cream donut under my nose. It worked better than smelling salts. I looked at the girls, and they could see the panic in my eyes. "girl, what happened out there?"

I took a deep breath. "Last night I told him that maybe we both needed to grow up. We were in the middle of a food fight! I meant that we should stop throwing food at each other." By now I was waving my arms around like a mad woman. "Now he tells me that the only way for us to grow up is to get married. How am I supposed to marry him when I'm in love with Ranger?" I stopped ranting and looked at Connie and Lula. By the identical deer in the headlights look they had, and the tingles at the base of my neck, I knew that Ranger was here. He probably heard my last comment. Crap.

He walked over to the couch, but I refused to meet his eyes. He squatted down in front of me so that I couldn't avoid him. Once he was sure he had my attention, he said, "I need to see you outside."

I followed him until we were hidden from sight in the alley behind the bonds office. I leaned against the wall, and he trapped me there, with his hands on either side of my head. "Is there something you want to tell me?"

I looked into his ebony eyes. "No."

He looked amused. "No?"

I wanted to push him away from me, almost as much as I wanted to pull him to me and never let go. I could feel the tears start to gather. "No."

His eyes bored into me. "Why not?"

I blew out a breath. "Because I couldn't take it if you pushed me away again."

The corner of his mouth tipped up, almost like he was thinking about smiling. "Is that what you think I'm going to do?"

I rolled my eyes. "It's what we always do, Ranger. Any time we get too close, we both turn in the other direction and run as fast as we can. You go into the wind and disappear for months at a time, and I." I couldn't say it.

"You what, Stephanie?"

"I run to Joe."

"Why?"

"I can't say it." The tears were threatening to fall.

He took my face in his hands and stroked his thumbs along my cheeks. "Tell me." I would think it was an order, but he said it so softly that I almost didn't hear him.

"Because he's safe. You once told me that I owned thirty percent of him. He owns even less than that of me. I go to him because it won't destroy me if we break up. Because I can only love you when you'll let me, and I can't ever lose you."

My tears were falling as his lips crashed into mine. I threw my heart and soul into the kiss. I prayed that he wasn't kissing me goodbye.

When we pulled apart, both my heart and mind were racing. Ranger tucked a curl behind my ear. "I'll see you tonight. I think we both need to talk."

I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing, but at least he didn't tell me that he was leaving right now. All I could do was nod. We turned to leave the alley. Joe was standing there with his arms crossed, leaning against the building, watching us. "I came back to see if you wanted Chinese or Italian, but it appears that you'd prefer Cuban." Before anyone could say another word, he turned and left.

Ranger took hold of my arm. "Babe."

I shook my head. "No, I deserved that. I need to go."

He looked into my eyes. "I will be over later." I nodded and walked back around the building.

When I went inside, Lula took one look at me and said, "Girl, what happened now?

I just shook my head. "Connie, please tell me you have something for me."

She handed me a file. "All I got is Leonard McFoofl. He wandered around the neighborhood naked again. Probably forgot his court date. He's 80 years old and uses a walker. He shouldn't be too hard to catch."

I thanked her and turned to leave. Lula stopped me at the door. "No way you're going alone like that. I'll drive and you can tell me all about it on the way." I could argue with her, but she's right. I was a mess.

We drove around the streets of Trenton while I told Lula what happened. "Damn white girl, I don't know how you do it. I ain't never seen no one who can keep two of the hottest men in Trenton panting after you for years act so clueless when it comes to men. Now you listen to me and Lula'll fix things right up for you."

I was spared from Lula's advice when we drove right by Leonard, hobbling by the school on his walker. "Lula, stop the car!" She screeched to a halt at the opposite end of the street.

I got out of her car and headed towards him yelling, "Mr. McFoofl, wait. I need to talk to you." He didn't even slow down. I caught him by his coat just as we reached the corner. Before I could do more than grab his coat, Lula let out an unearthly shriek. It sounded like someone was trying to kill her. I whipped around to see lula trying to pull her hair out of a branch that hung low over the sidewalk. I turned to ask Mr. Mcfoofl to wait here, but he was gone. I was only holding his coat.

I ran back to where Lula was still struggling against the branch. By now most of the kids at recess were pressed up against the chain link fence, yelling at Lula. She was in tears, trying to get her hair out of the tree. When I reached up to help her, there was a tearing sound and Lula pitched forward, knocking us both down in a heap. All the kids started pointing and laughing at us. I could see why when I looked up. Lula's hair was still tangled in the tree, looking like a poison green spider web.

I stood up, untangled her hair from the tree, and handed what I now knew was a wig back to her. When she bent over to put it back on, some of the girls in the playground shrieked. I saw big, angry red welts on the back of her head. "Lula, what happened to your hair?"

She said, "It'll grow back." She turned to the children and said, "Don't worry kids, it'll grow back." The kids went back to playing. The show was once again over.

Lula and I climbed back into her Firebird. We found Leonard two blocks down the road, hobbling on his walker, stark naked. Apparently he didn't have anything on under his coat. We bundled him back up and drove him down to the police station. We decided to stop at the diner for pie before we went back to the bonds office. Once we were eating, I asked, "What happened to your hair?"

Lula frowned. "I wanted to change my color."

"Didn't you change it last week? You're not supposed to dye it that often."

"I know, but the last color was unlucky. My psychic told me so. Anyway, when Shirelle was putting the color in my hair, it started to burn. When she was rinsing it, it fell out in clumps." Lula was close to tears.

"Why would you do that to your hair?"

"Why? Because it looks good."

"But it's not good for you."

"I'm aware of that."

"But, why would you do something if you know it's not good for you?"

"Because I don't think about it."

"That's living in denial." I should know, I was the queen of denial.

"Living in denial?"

"Yeah."

"I'm aware of that."

"So you're aware of all your behavior, but you continue to do things that aren't good for you. That sounds sort of foolish, don't you think so?"

"Kissing Ranger in the Alley behind the bonds office right after Supercop told you that he wanted to marry you, that's foolish."

"I didn't think I'd get caught."

"Now that's living in denial." I'm afraid Lula was right, but denial and I were old friends. When she was done eating, she put her fork down. "Look. All bullshit aside, if you could have the man of your dreams walk in the door right now and tell you that he loves you, who would it be?"

I closed my eyes and I could see him. In my head he walked over to the table and took my hand. When I stood up, he kissed me and told me that he loved me. When I opened my eyes, a tear rolled down my cheek. I told her who it was. "Ranger."

She looked at me sympathetically. "Then you need to tell Joe."

I dropped my head and let the tears fall. Lula was right, but it didn't hurt any less. We drove back to the bonds office and Lula gave me a hug before I got into my car. I went to my apartment and packed everything of Joe's in a box. I drove to his house, but sat in the car. After about a half an hour, my phone rang. It was Joe. "Are you coming inside?"

I said yes and got out of the car. When I walked inside, Bob stayed where he was on the floor, looking at me with sad eyes. It seems like even he knew what was happening. Joe was sitting on the couch, his TV on, but muted. I sat on the other end of the couch. No one said anything. Finally, I broke the silence. "I'm sorry, Joe."

He turned off the TV. "We're not getting married, are we?"

I held back the tears. "It wouldn't be fair to you." Again, a heavy silence filled the house. "I guess I do have to grow up. I can't keep doing this to you, it's not right."

He looked at me. "I love you."

"I love you, too."

He looked down. "It's just not enough, is it?"

I shook my head. "No."

He stood. "I packed your things. They're in the kitchen."

"I have your stuff in the car."

He carried my box to the car for me. Once we exchanged boxes, I gave Joe a hug. He held me tight for a minute. When he pulled away, he said, "Deep down, I always knew it wasn't going to happen. I just hoped I was wrong."

Now the tears did fall. "I'm sorry." He turned around and walked back into his house, closing the door softly behind him.

(} {)

I walked into my apartment, ready to spend some quality time with my friends Ben and Jerry. There was a note on my living room table with an envelope under it. The note simply said, "I'll be there when you're ready". The envelope contained a first class ticket to Miami. The travel date was left open.

Getting over the loss of my relationship with Joe was harder than I thought it would be. I still love him, but I know I did the right thing. I missed Ranger, but I appreciated the space he was giving me to grieve.

Lula wore wigs for a month, each more outrageous than the next. It got to the point where I would be eager to get to the office in the morning, just to see what her hair looked like. One morning, she came in without a wig. Her hair was still very short, but it looked good on her. I asked her why she decided not to wear a wig. She said it was time. I couldn't get that out of my head. She was right, it was time.

I called the airline and got on the earliest flight I could manage. I was nervous and excited at the same time. Tank drove me to the airport and promised that the guys would look after Rex while I was gone.

Ranger was waiting for me at the airport. As soon as he pulled me into his arms, my nervousness fell away and everything felt right. He drove me to the Miami Rangeman office, where he has an apartment on the top floor. I took my suitcase to the bedroom while he poured us each a glass of wine. We stood on the balcony and I enjoyed the feel of the sun on my skin.

After a minute, he said, "I can't give you the white picket fence."

I looked out at the view. "I'd probably find a way to blow it up."

He thought about smiling. "I need you to understand, Babe. Will you listen?"

I nodded. "Do you know why I let you run back to Morelli?" I shook my head no. "Because I wanted you to have that. I wanted you to have the house and the kids and the dog, and I wanted you to be happy."

I started to speak, but he stopped me. "I thought about leaving. I thought that if I left you, that you could have those things." He looked at me. "But I can't let you go." I held him, breathing in the unique scent of Bulgari and Ranger. He wrapped his arm around me and stroked my hair. "My life is dangerous and crazy and all kinds of fucked up. I can't guarantee that I won't be called for a mission tomorrow, but I love you, and I can't lose you."

I kissed him. I couldn't care less about a white picket fence, the house, the kids, or the dog. All I wanted was him. He walked me back into the apartment and set our wineglasses on the table. He picked me up and carried me to the bedroom where he made love to me with a fierce passion.

We laid in bed. I had my head on his chest, listening to his heartbeat. He kissed the top of my head and said, "I can't give you the white picket fence, but I can promise to love you for as long as you'll let me."

I can live with that.


	2. Shake it off

**This one goes out to MnGrammaX3. :-) She asked for a one shot based on Taylor Swift's song, Shake it off. I hope I've done it justice... Song lyrics are in bold.**

**Any characters you recognize belong to JE, Shake it off belongs to Taylor Swift. I don't make anything from this other than mistakes... (bummer)**

I need to get out and dance. That's the best way to find a new man. Hopefully I can find someone with more money than brains, they're the best. Of course, I know what people will say about me, but do I care?

**I stay out too late**

**Got nothing in my brain**

**That's what people say, mm-hmm**

**That's what people say, mm-hmm**

Sometimes I hate the Burg Grapevine. Those old hags don't know the first thing about how to have fun. At least I'm not usually the talk of the town. I'll leave that to Stephanie, thank you very much. Little Miss Perfectly Plum can't go a week without blowing up a car or rolling in garbage, and that's just fine with me. What's up with her, anyway? I mean who divorces a lawyer without taking him to the cleaners first? I did her a favor by boinking her husband, and does she thank me? Does she ever stop to think about what would have happened if she had squeezed out a few puppies before she found out what a jerk he was? Of course not. Instead, I'm the disease riddled skank that stole her man.

**I go on too many dates,**

**but I can't make 'em stay**

**At least that's what people say, mm-hmm**

**that's what people say, mm-hmm**

**But I keep cruising **

**Can't stop, won't stop moving**

**It's like I got this music in my mind**

**saying, "It's gonna be alright"**

Now she's got two of the hottest men in Trenton following her around like lovesick puppies. She should send me a Thank You note every year on the anniversary of her divorce. That's why I still love to get under her skin. Whenever I get bored, I go visit her cousin Vinnie and spend an hour playing petting zoo with him. He's fun, and every time I do that, he gives me her job. She really hates it when I bring in skips that she can't catch.

**Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play  
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate  
Baby, I'm just gonna shake, shake, shake, shake, shake  
I shake it off, I shake it off  
Heart-breakers gonna break, break, break, break, break  
And the fakers gonna fake, fake, fake, fake, fake  
Baby, I'm just gonna shake, shake, shake, shake, shake  
I shake it off, I shake it off **

Aah, I can hear the music pounding through the club as I walk up to the door. The people in line watch with obvious envy as I bypass the line and walk in the door, giving the bouncer a kiss on my way in. That's right, bitches, nobody keeps Joyce Barnhardt waiting in line. I slink up to the bar, and within a minute, I hear the words I've been waiting all day for. "Can I buy you a drink?" I look over to see Mr. Short, Pale, and, well, you get the idea. At least his suit looks expensive. I'll let him buy me some booze and drool over the girls for a few minutes. I spent good money on them, and they've returned the investment many times over. Once I finish the drink, though, I'm going to feel the need to shake this loser off and dance.

**I never miss a beat  
I'm lightning on my feet  
And that's what they don't see, mmm-mmm  
that's what they don't see, mmm-mmm**

**I'm dancing on my own (dancing on my own)  
I make the moves up as I go (moves up as I go)  
And that's what they don't know, mmm-mmm  
that's what they don't know, mmm-mmm **

Oh, yes. This is exactly what I needed. The dance floor has been calling my name and it was long past time since I answered.

**But I keep cruising  
Can't stop, won't stop grooving  
It's like I got this music  
In my mind  
Saying, "It's gonna be alright."**

**'Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play  
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate  
Baby, I'm just gonna shake, shake, shake, shake, shake  
I shake it off, I shake it off  
Heart-breakers gonna break, break, break, break, break  
And the fakers gonna fake, fake, fake, fake, fake  
Baby, I'm just gonna shake, shake, shake, shake, shake  
I shake it off, I shake it off**

**Shake it off, I shake it off,  
I, I, I shake it off, I shake it off,  
I, I, I shake it off, I shake it off,  
I, I, I shake it off, I shake it off **

Ooh, over in the corner I can see Detective Morelli sitting at a table with Terri. She must have dragged him here, because that boy can't dance. Either that, or he figured there wouldn't be anyone here that would recognize them. I guess he and Stephanie are in another one of their famous "off" stages. Everyone knows that they break it off any time they get too close to having a mature relationship. I wonder if he even realizes that he's just keeping her sheets warm until she can finally land the mother of all single men. Of course, he's not exactly innocent, is he? She can't honestly think that Terri mysteriously just appears every time they need a break. He would have married Terri years ago if he wasn't a cop and she wasn't a mob princess. I wonder if either of those women would be surprised to learn that I know exactly how good the Itlaian Stallion is at strip searches, if you know what I mean...

**Hey, hey, hey****  
****Just think while you've been getting down and out about the liars and the dirty, dirty cheats of the world,****  
****You could've been getting down to this sick beat.******

**My ex-man brought his new girlfriend****  
****She's like "Oh, my god!" but I'm just gonna shake.****  
****And to the fella over there with the hella good hair****  
****Won't you come on over, baby? We can shake, shake, shake**

I'm just going to keep dancing. I love feeling the press of bodies. Male, female, it doesn't matter, as long as they can keep up with me. This is the best form of foreplay, if you ask me. Speaking of foreplay, someone new is pressed against my back, getting very familiar. I dance with him for a while, not even bothering to look behind me and see who it is.

**'Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play  
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate (haters gonna hate)  
I'm just gonna shake, shake, shake, shake, shake  
I shake it off, I shake it off  
Heart-breakers gonna break, break, break, break, break (mmmm)  
And the fakers gonna fake, fake, fake, fake, fake (and fake, and fake, and fake)  
Baby, I'm just gonna shake, shake, shake, shake, shake  
I shake it off, I shake it off **

I decided to turn and thank the guy behind me. If he's good looking, maybe I'll invite him outside for a quick round of 'up against the wall'. That's the least I can do after what he did for me right out here on the dance floor. Imagine my surprise when I find out that it's Vinnie. I know what he can do behind closed doors in his office, but I didn't realize he could dance, too. Too bad his wife has all the money in that relationship. Just as I was about to offer him a more personal thank you, I feel my eyes roll up in my head, and the lights go out.

**'Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play  
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate (haters gonna hate)  
I'm just gonna shake, shake, shake, shake, shake  
I shake it off, I shake it off  
Heart-breakers gonna break, break, break, break, break (mmmm)  
And the fakers gonna fake, fake, fake, fake, fake (and fake, and fake, and fake)  
Baby, I'm just gonna shake, shake, shake, shake, shake  
I shake it off, I shake it off **

When I open my eyes, I'm still on the dance floor, only now I'm looking up at a ring of faces looking down at me. The same song is playing, so I couldn't have been out long. Some guy offers me a hand up, which I gratefully accept. He pulls me to my feet, and I come face to face with Lucille. She gives me an evil little smirk and says, "Shake that off, bitch."


	3. The ephemeral dilemma

**WOOHOO, 999 words! I was reading some of ShellSueD's challenge answers, and this one popped into my head. I hope you like it. :-)**

**All the characters you know and love belong to JE, but the mistakes are mine!**

UNKNOWN POV

I cracked open an eye that felt like it had been cemented shut. I had no idea where I was. All I could see around me were trees. As I was about to sit up, I heard a barrage of gunfire in the distance. I decided to stay where I was for a moment. I could have sworn that I didn't re-enlist after my last tour. In fact, I'm pretty sure that last night I was at dinner with Stephanie Plum. When I rolled over to take stock of my surroundings, I noticed that there was a canteen and a Ranger knife laying nearby. With those two items, I knew I could survive, if I could only figure out where the hell I was.

o0()0o

RANGER POV, PREVIOUS DAY

I was sitting at my desk looking over the resumes of the men I had interviewed today, when a certain Blue eyed brunette popped her head into my doorway. "You busy?" I gestured for her to take a seat and she bopped into the office, taking a seat across from me. "I just finished the last of the searches you needed, so if you don't have anything else, I'll see you around the bonds office."

I had to think fast. I didn't realize that her latest job at Rangeman would be so ephemeral. "Why don't you stay for dinner, and I'll check with Rodriguez to see if he has anything else for you."

She rolled her eyes. "Ranger, I told you I don't need a pity job. I don't mind helping out when you need it, but I don't need you to find things for me to do. I can't stay for dinner, either. I have plans."

I arched an eyebrow. "I was under the assumption that Morelli was working undercover."

She snorted. "Joe can stay undercover for all I care. I'm done with the on again, off again crap. That dumbass tried to pick a fight with me before he left." She stood to leave. "I told him he could do whatever he wanted, because I was done riding that carousel."

She was walking towards the door, and I didn't know how to stop her. "Do I need to listen to the police scanner in case you and Mary Lou get in trouble?"

She laughed and walked into the hallway. "Not seeing her, either." Before I could stop her, she walked away calling over her shoulder, "Goodnight, Ranger."

An hour later I was no closer to deciding who to hire. My mind kept going back to Stephanie, and I wondered where she was. Finally, I threw the files into my desk drawer and booted up my computer. Bringing up my tracking program, I found out that she was at Rossini's. I shut down my computer and took the stairs down to the garage. I know I shouldn't be doing this, but I can't stop myself. In minutes, I was headed to the restaurant.

I was sitting in my car debating the merits of going in to see who she was with when my passenger door opened. Tank sat next to me. "She know you're following her around like a stalker?"

I slid him a look. "You wonder what the weather is like in Kazakhstan this time of year?"

He laughed. "No skin off my ass, man. I'm just thinking that if you don't man up and tell her how you feel, someone else might beat you to it."

His words turned out to be oddly prophetic. At that moment, Stephanie walked out of the restaurant with one of the men I had interviewed this morning. He walked her to her car where she hugged him and kissed him on the cheek. She looked so happy that I wanted to punch him. Instead, I sat there until she drove off, trying to clear my head of the red haze of rage that had taken over. Once I was sure I could talk, I turned to Tank. "That man was in my office this morning interviewing for a job. I think he needs to do a field trial. Call the chopper and have Cal come pick him up." Tank was chuckling as he left the car.

Later that night, I let myself into her apartment. I left my keys and belt on her dining room table and crept into her room. She was in her thinking position on the bed, so I sat in my chair. I thought she was asleep until she said, "What are you doing here, Ranger?"

Unless I was going to get rid of every man in Trenton, I had to tell her. "I've been thinking about us."

She was quiet for a long time. Finally she said, "Us?"

"Yes, us. I love you, Babe. No qualifiers."

"No trying to get rid of me in the morning?"

"Never again, Babe." She lifted the covers, inviting me into her bed as well as her heart. It felt like coming home.

o0()0o

The next morning we were enjoying coffee in bed when she asked, "How did your interviews go yesterday?"

I hope she didn't sense my hesitation. "All right."

"There was a guy named John that you spoke to yesterday, what did you think of him?"

After the night we shared, she decided to ask me about the guy she went to dinner with? "You know him?"

She laughed. "Of course I do, he's my cousin. He's Shirley the Whiner's brother. I haven't seen him since he joined the Marines."

As soon as I was in my car, I called Tank. "Recall the chopper and get him back here, ASAP. Tell Stephanie's cousin that he has the job as long as he keeps his mouth closed." I hung up the phone to the sound of Tank's laughter.


	4. What happens when a Babe writes Cupcake?

**This is a Day in the Life type of story. It's also a CUPCAKE. I've tried to make myself write Cupcake before, but this was the first one that I thought actually worked. I think that may be because I didn't even attempt romance... Let me also just say that is was a long, cold weekend in Casa de Spiffytgm.**

**Anyway, the usual disclaimer goes here... Not mine, no money, blah, blah, blah. Let me know what you think, I love to hear from you!**

I walked in the door on Saturday, a hot, sweaty, sticky mess. I even had the beginning of a big, ugly bruise under my right eye. There are days when I hate my job. Bob ran up to see if I had any food, but one whiff sent him running back to the couch. There was a game on TV, but Joe was nowhere to be seen. Maybe I can just slip up the stairs unnoticed and spare myself the lecture. Before I can take two steps, Joe yells from the kitchen, "Hot water heater's busted."

Crap. There goes my plan for a long, hot shower. I yell back, "Did you check the pilot light?" That's the extent of my knowledge of water heater repair.

"I have one of those newfangled tankless heaters. There is no pilot light." Joe walked out of the kitchen holding a sandwich and a beer. "What the hell happened to you?"

I ran my hand through my hair and instantly regretted it. "I don't want to discuss it. I'll just go over to my parents house and shower." I would go to my own apartment, but the last time I showed up unannounced, Grandma and her friends were playing strip poker. That's not something I ever want to see again.

Joe takes a swallow of his beer. "You can't go there. What will your mother say when she sees you like that? Don't forget that by the time you walk from the car to the house, half the Burg will see you and start to spread gossip."

I hate to admit it, but he's right. I really don't need to hear my mother lecture me about how I should get a job at the button factory. I know where I could go to take a hot, lecture free shower, but Joe and I are trying to make things work. I don't even consider mentioning Rangeman. I huff, "Fine," and march upstairs to take the fastest shower of my life.

The shower is so cold, it feels like tiny needles of ice are hitting my body. I cleaned up in record time. When I walked out of the bathroom, Joe was leaning against the wall. He walked over to me and pulled the top of my towel out to get a peek at the goods. He looked up at me with his bedroom eyes. Usually this gives me a warm feeling all over, but at the moment I'm frozen solid. "I'm feeling a little dirty right now, cupcake."

I tugged my towel back into place. "You should take a shower. That'll fix you right up." I marched into the bedroom to put some warm clothes on.

Over sandwiches and beer, I asked if Joe called a plumber. I was surprised at his answer. "It's not an emergency."

"The plumber doesn't consider a lack of hot water to be an emergency?"

"No, I don't consider a lack of hot water to be an emergency. Do you know how much a plumber charges for an emergency call on a weekend? You probably have to sign over your first child. At the rate we're going can we really afford to give one away?"

Oh no he did not just go there. Before I could tell him what I really thought, he apologized. I grudgingly forgave him. I called my friend Mary Lou, but she and her plumber husband Lenny had taken the kids to Disneyworld, and wouldn't be back for a week.

After the game, Joe started to get frisky again, but I didn't want to start something if I couldn't clean up afterwards. Joe clomped down to the basement muttering about fixing the damn thing himself. For a long time, there was no sound from the basement. I was starting to get worried when Joe yelled up for me to turn on the hot water. I ran to the sink and turned on the tap. By the time the sink was full, there were miniature icebergs floating on the surface. I yelled down to Joe that it was still cold. I could hear him cursing, but there was nothing I could do about it.

Sunday wasn't any better. Joe went downstairs twice to try to fix it, each time muttering about it just being a damn hot water heater. Each time, Joe came back upstairs in an even worse mood. "There isn't even a stupid error message on the damn thing. Just a flashing light. There's a big digital screen on the thing, you would think there would be some way for it to tell you what was wrong."

On Monday morning, I awoke to find a note by the coffee machine. "Cupcake, left early to take a shower at the station. I already walked and fed Bob. Call the plumber for me?"

I fixed my coffee and wandered downstairs. Before I called, I wanted to get the model number off the heater, and maybe take a quick peek at it. From what I could tell, it looked like a tankless water heater with a flashing light on the control panel. I picked up the owner's manual from where Joe left it on the top of the dryer and turned to the section for troubleshooting. There was about four pages of possible error codes and what they could mean. There was also a diagram of where the error codes were displayed on the control panel. I walked over and took a look at it again. Since there really was no error code displayed, I took a closer look at the flashing light. When I realized what was wrong, I thunked my head against the wall a couple of times, turned the power back on, and went upstairs to take a hot shower.


End file.
